Following on from a tumultuous 12 months adjusting to a new ambulance service, my second year as a newly qualified paramedic (NQP), and an assault that forced me to step back from the role that I love for 4 months, I have often wondered ‘where do I go from here?’ While I wish to never be faced with such a sinister situation again, the time away allowed me to gain an invaluable prospective on my journey thus far—where I was, where I am now and, most importantly, where I am going.
My paramedic journey began on 25 Sept 2017 when I stepped onto the Stag Hill campus at the University of Surrey for the first time, ready to give it my all. At 30 years of age, I was older than most in my cohort, with a broad Irish accent that not many of my English counterparts could fully understand, and an unrelenting ‘keenness’ for all things ambulance—I was different. On the outside, I conveyed the image of a very capable, intellectual student. But on the inside, I carried with me over a decade of self-doubt; stemming from both academic and personal failures that had slowly eroded my confidence, and self-worth to the point where I was not sure if I would ‘make the cut’ at university, or in such a demanding career if I did qualify. For a long time, I convinced myself that the remedy for such ‘deficiency’ was success, and that success and confidence went hand-in-hand. However, despite the many achievements that followed during my time at university, and as an NQP, that air of self-doubt remained.
My NQP colleague, and fellow JPP columnist, Mahdiyah Bandali, recently wrote a wonderful, thought-provoking piece on imposter syndrome that highlighted the importance of self-validation in the face of such doubt and low confidence. This is something that has really resonated with me of late, and has inspired me to consider ways in which to constructively grow in my own self-confidence, and self-worth, both personally and professionally. And with that, if I could go back 12 months and tell that twitchy NQP Barry one thing it would be this: ‘Be yourself… never hide your enthusiasm and passion for something.’ All too often, the ambulance service seems to perpetuate a culture of ‘unbothered ambivalence’, where being ‘keen’ is perceived as a negative trait in one's professional practice. However, being passionate and enthusiastic goes hand-in-hand with being humble, and treating others with respect. My clinical support officer, Pete, recently told me that ‘knowledge does not necessarily mean wisdom, and irrespective of how “right” you think you are, if you can't convince others of it, for whatever reason, then that knowledge is pointless’. As I take the next step in my NQP journey, one area that I would like to gain experience in is that of clinical leadership, and I feel the above sentiment is a good starting point for this.
While I may no longer be that student paramedic who walked onto the ambulance station on his first day almost 5 years ago dressed to the nines in reflective gear with a stethoscope around his neck—a part of him never left, and that's ok. For the first time in my career, I am finally ready to ‘let go’ of the self-doubt that has held me back for so long, embrace my inner ‘Dr. Baz’, and step forward into the future to become the paramedic I know I can be.